It was early on the first day of Spring 2001, when I got on a Greyhound bus and left the San Francisco/Oakland Bay Area which had been my primary home since birth nearly 30 years earlier.
It was an extremely momentous and pivotal point in my life - and this very well planned journey I had embarked upon to travel by land across this entire country for the next three days straight to my destination in New York City had many deep layers of meaning and importance for me.
After growing up as a child constantly absorbing massive amounts of Motown, Blues & Soul and Funk and R&B & Hip-Hop in my teens, by my early 20's I had developed a serious appreciation for jazz - and as I approached 30 had gotten pretty good at playing it on my two main instruments and was getting a fair amount of offers with decent pay to gig locally.
After studying the entire rich tradition with an almost obsessive passion from its beginnings in Congo Square in New Orleans -- inevitably (as all serious jazz musicians do) I finally realized that it was no longer going to be sufficient to just listen to, study the history of and in many other various ways simply absorb New York City from a distance of 3000 miles away... if I was going to really do this with my life, I knew I would need to move there and live there if I wanted to take what I had been doing for the past decade to the next level and realize the dreams I set out to achieve.
So -- this trip was being made primarily with the intention that I could see -- and feel -- the place that had already become such a huge part of my existence despite my never having set foot there before -- and to make sure that I wouldn't be making some sort of mistake or regretful decision if I just hastily put everything in the moving van and went without having done what seemed logical and even prudent for most people to do in such a circumstance.
Even the whole "going by bus" thing was meant to taste just a little of what many of my 'idols' at that point in my life had done 'paying their dues' in previous generations to bring the music to people before they 'made it' and had chartered planes and jets to fly there in.
Oddly, at the time though in my mind I would have said I was 99% certain that I was going to end up choosing to move there... in hindsight, I must admit that on the other hand, the fact that I wasn't just putting my entire life in a moving van and taking the big leap straight away, was really the first major sign that deep down I knew this would not be my destiny in this life.
It was as if I had already begun to move from the "romanticised NYC" world of the 1930's-1970's which I had been living in in my mind for most the past 10 years and which had nurtured me in the pursuit of excellence in my craft, sophistcated my personality and fuelled vast dreamscapes and visions for the future - to a more "real-life NYC" point of view - which was beginning to really sense that the New York that I had fallen in love with and spent so much time being influenced by had nearly disappeared by this time... and if there was any of it left, it was but a vapor to be savored by a remnant of the last of a dying breed of musician.
Not to say that there wasn't (or still isn't) plenty of studio "work" for a capable "jazz instrumentalist" and the obligatory gigs to play as background sound for those who are there mainly to listen with their eyes, clink glasses and chatter over - just as much as if I had wanted to ride the late golden era train over in Brooklyn and produce hip hop and chase money while watering my musical abilities down tremendously.
But this was not the kind of musician -- or person -- I had come to be at that place in my life.
Money was not much (if any) of a motivating factor for my pursuit of a career in music... all I really cared about was wanting to give something to people which hopefully made them think and feel all the rich and complex tapestries of emotion and reflection that the music of my heroes which had 'swung' before me had brought into my world... if I could just be like one of them and give people something like that... to any degree... that was really the thing.
Everything (or anything) else to me was just "selling out" at that point.
It was simply impossible for me to even imagine having the same fire and inspiration playing "smooth", "acid" or even "neo-bop" jazz... but still... that's where most of the paying gigs were going... and in addition to the jazz scene, the rent and cost of living in NYC circa 2001 definitely wasn't anywhere near the same 'bohemian affordability' as it could be if you lived simply during the '30's-'70's era, which I was starting to not just realize but have to come to accept the fact that I had largely missed the time of my dreams by being born at the tail end of it all.
Add to this that by my late 20's I had spent a lot of time reading books on history, politics, religion, the environment etc. and much of that was causing me to question whether this country (and by extension - world) was going to survive - at least in its present form - and therefore it also made me really sense that (without knowing or even trying to guess specifically) just in general major, MAJOR changes were on the way... and I better choose carefully and wisely the place that I want to live.
Basically - though my romantic mind had started out 99% sure I was moving there - the decision in my heart had almost been made entirely on the bus - perceiving these things to already be true - and I was just waiting to get to the city of my dreams to confirm that that's all it really was all along... a dream... and then (just like is so often true in real life)... I woke up only to find out - I'm running late.
After only a day and half in the city - but taking in more of the important things to me than most tourists would even think to go see in a month, I knew for sure that all I had suspected deep down was 100% true... and that if I was going to continue to "keep it real", I had to now accept that the NYC that I had fallen in love with had without question passed by at least 20-30 years prior to the time I was standing right there in front of the Village Vanguard imagining what it must've been like...
...just as much as if I was in a book, looking at a photograph or watching a video on the west coast as I had for years... I knew then and there that it was a bygone era and like a 'dog chasing a flying bird', I would be as much a fool to continue to steer my dreams in this particular direction any further.
I spent the following two days in Baltimore with a man who I have not only been blessed to know as a musician, but a dear friend -- the saxophone legend Billy Harper. In my opinion, he is the chief inheritor of the mantle of John Coltrane and one of the finest songwriters we have ever had in the tradition. I was not only blessed to be able to watch and listen to him perform on that trip at the one of the oldest churches in this country, but even nearly 'overdosed on the Holy Ghost' right there in the pews dancing (if such a thing is possible) and getting the Spirit of Truth in me - playing the blues and improvising in my heart and mind to not just accept -- but keep moving quickly and actually embrace the even greater changes and uncertainties in my path, which I now knew lay ahead of me.
After the performance, he and his manager, some of the band and a small group of other friends and myself gathered at her home for a little authentic New Orleans Cajun catered get together, which was incredibly delicious and went on (for some of us - like most old school gigs used to) until the wee hours... in the case of Billy and I, it was the break of dawn when our conversation retired and I thanked him and bid him farewell.
Everything (or anything) else to me was just "selling out" at that point.
It was simply impossible for me to even imagine having the same fire and inspiration playing "smooth", "acid" or even "neo-bop" jazz... but still... that's where most of the paying gigs were going... and in addition to the jazz scene, the rent and cost of living in NYC circa 2001 definitely wasn't anywhere near the same 'bohemian affordability' as it could be if you lived simply during the '30's-'70's era, which I was starting to not just realize but have to come to accept the fact that I had largely missed the time of my dreams by being born at the tail end of it all.
Add to this that by my late 20's I had spent a lot of time reading books on history, politics, religion, the environment etc. and much of that was causing me to question whether this country (and by extension - world) was going to survive - at least in its present form - and therefore it also made me really sense that (without knowing or even trying to guess specifically) just in general major, MAJOR changes were on the way... and I better choose carefully and wisely the place that I want to live.
Basically - though my romantic mind had started out 99% sure I was moving there - the decision in my heart had almost been made entirely on the bus - perceiving these things to already be true - and I was just waiting to get to the city of my dreams to confirm that that's all it really was all along... a dream... and then (just like is so often true in real life)... I woke up only to find out - I'm running late.
After only a day and half in the city - but taking in more of the important things to me than most tourists would even think to go see in a month, I knew for sure that all I had suspected deep down was 100% true... and that if I was going to continue to "keep it real", I had to now accept that the NYC that I had fallen in love with had without question passed by at least 20-30 years prior to the time I was standing right there in front of the Village Vanguard imagining what it must've been like...
...just as much as if I was in a book, looking at a photograph or watching a video on the west coast as I had for years... I knew then and there that it was a bygone era and like a 'dog chasing a flying bird', I would be as much a fool to continue to steer my dreams in this particular direction any further.
I spent the following two days in Baltimore with a man who I have not only been blessed to know as a musician, but a dear friend -- the saxophone legend Billy Harper. In my opinion, he is the chief inheritor of the mantle of John Coltrane and one of the finest songwriters we have ever had in the tradition. I was not only blessed to be able to watch and listen to him perform on that trip at the one of the oldest churches in this country, but even nearly 'overdosed on the Holy Ghost' right there in the pews dancing (if such a thing is possible) and getting the Spirit of Truth in me - playing the blues and improvising in my heart and mind to not just accept -- but keep moving quickly and actually embrace the even greater changes and uncertainties in my path, which I now knew lay ahead of me.
After the performance, he and his manager, some of the band and a small group of other friends and myself gathered at her home for a little authentic New Orleans Cajun catered get together, which was incredibly delicious and went on (for some of us - like most old school gigs used to) until the wee hours... in the case of Billy and I, it was the break of dawn when our conversation retired and I thanked him and bid him farewell.
Like a much older brother or even father figure, that night into the early morning, he counseled me wisely and affirmed all that I had been hearing the voice of the Most High inside, telling me -- even when I had at times been afraid to listen or wanted to debate with it.
The Almighty stilled me and completely validated what I had been feeling and processing about the great decision I had come east to make on this fateful journey I had begun in earnest a decade earlier.
Since that pivotal trip to NY, many times when Billy has come to Oakland to play at Yoshi's, after the gig he and I have gone out to eat and stayed up again until near the daylight discussing life and music. He is an exceptionally wise and brilliant soul and has been one of my main influences -- not only as a musician -- but even on being a man in this world... I have an immense amount of gratitude to him for all he has taught me... and all the inspiration and hope he has given... God bless you...'soulfully I love you', my dear brother.
So... I left the next day feeling confident and just knowing deep inside that despite what seemed the loss of a 'great dream' - some might say 'a romance' - that was involved - it was definitely the wisest decision for me - and actually, it didn't need necessarily be a loss of either.
All I needed to learn is that the New York City and jazz I fell in love with are eternal and will never die if I keep them in my heart just as I came to know them when I was younger. None of those great memories or the inspiration they provided need be lost as long as keep playing and living in service to Almighty God and others and don't worry about making money from it as has always been my commitment.
Just because one great era has ended and even tumultuous times may well lie ahead... thankfully I realized just enough at that point as a man of faith - and as I have learned through The Word Jesus Christ and being led by my Father in the Spirit of Truth to know that loving it and being nurtured and inspired by them are one thing... but making an idol out of any city and idolizing anyone or anything are quite another altogether... and not worth my soul in eternity, much less the fleeting hours on this side of glory.
"John Coltrane. John Coltrane. John Coltrane."
That was my steadfast "mantra" during most of my 20's. In fact - after that great city itself - the first muse I had to take down from this position of "idol" and return the position of "man" (even if he still holds the title "the chief musician") was the above thrice named luminary saxophonist.
Not to lessen him in any way, mind you -- but rather to not lessen the respect my Creator deserves by magnifying anyone or anything else beyond measure and making it more important in my heart, soul and mind than the only one who can be #1.
This fateful journey was not just a pivotal moment for me because of what it portended for my future in regards to where I would choose to live and what goals I would pursue in the coming years... but more importantly, I just knew that from this time forward - how I chose to live - and prioritize - even in very subtle but profound ways would affect my future in eternity as well.
Fast forward almost six months exactly...
It's early September ~ and for the past two weeks straight... instead of making an idol out of John Coltrane and New York City... I had simply learned to only worship and give thanks to the Most High for teaching me all about them while allowing me to still greatly enjoy and be taught and inspired by them much as before... but now without turning them into such a subtle - but grand - deception as I previously had done in my younger years.
I had been really breaking down one song intensely as I often do and here it was learning to play Billy Eckstine's I Want To Talk About You... I was focused solely on really internalizing the rhythm, changes and the harmony on this one particularly moving version recorded live by the John Coltrane Quartet in 1963.
There is of course Ella Fitzgerald's famous rendition and there are many other excellent versions of this song by many artists over the years - and even 'Trane had done several others himself... but this one was so gracefully and beautifully performed that I had decided that it absolutely had to be the version I would try to initially learn and emulate as I gradually devoloped it into my own interpretation with time as I have with my own 'inner songbook' over the years.
I had really been getting to that place Bird (Charlie Parker) said you need to get to where you "...learn the changes... and then forget them..." and then you can just close your eyes and focus entirely on truly feeling the music as you play on an instrument without thinking about the technical things you must always first accomplish understanding and executing.
Because of the complexity of the changes and harmonic structure - up until that time, it was probably one of the most difficult - yet satisfying - songs I had successfully learned to play once I was finally 'just swinging' and being thankful for and enjoying the simple pleasure of being able to do such an incredibly inspiring and joyful thing at all in this life... irregardless of if I ever became famous or made a dime from it.
Another reason I think I found it so satisfying was because it came to symbolize something highly profound for me - right at a time when it was clear that after 6 months since I had made my decision not to move to New York, I was definitely now without any doubt that I had made the correct decision - and was completely at peace about it, all while still thouroughly pursuing - and enjoying - music in my life EVEN MORE than I ever had... especially now that the pressure to live up to a romantic fantasy and the confusion of the idolatry it created had been taken out of the way.
This was the song I was playing - and the Spirit I was in - when someone called me and told me to turn on the television and see that an airplane had flown into one of the World Trade Center towers on September the 11th 2001 and I will always associate it with everything I just wrote about in the previous 6 months which led up to and included that unforgettable day almost two decades ago as I write this.
Obviously the mixture of thoughts, feelings and emotions which flooded my being at that moment are extremely complex and difficult to describe - not just the sad and difficult feelings most every thoughtful, caring American of any stripe felt about what was happening to us that day (regardless of what I can always find to criticize about 'it' and many of the other 'stripes' around here on any other given day) - but also at the immense, almost cathartic feelings of relief for not having moved there 6 months prior and endless gratitude towards my Maker for having steered me in the right direction and made it clear that it was not my destiny to move there just to savor the last vapors of a bygone era.
Of course none of this would have unfolded in this particular manner and my fate would have likely been very different if I had not had the relationship with the Word that taught me these things and guides my every step.
And despite being a simple love song - like all of the greatest love songs - I Want To Talk About You can also be loosely interpreted as a gospel song about Love Almighty... if you choose to hear it that way.
Thus, quite appropriately - and even reverentially - it came for me to symbolize the time I became a man and truly came to know that the only one I Want To Talk About... is God above all others... and that I needed to reprioritize things in my life to make that a reality... and so I did it... and am eternally thankful for it.
Though I'm primarily an instrumentalist and generally don't sing lyrics while I play, I do however usually learn the melody line and through that often learn them when I hear a version with vocals.
I'll leave them here in closing - and hopefully in the above Spirit I just described - for the reader to consider - or interpret in whichever way they so choose. May Love always guide, protect and bless you on your journey through this life, dear friends... peace be with all of thee... from right now until eternity...
The Almighty stilled me and completely validated what I had been feeling and processing about the great decision I had come east to make on this fateful journey I had begun in earnest a decade earlier.
Since that pivotal trip to NY, many times when Billy has come to Oakland to play at Yoshi's, after the gig he and I have gone out to eat and stayed up again until near the daylight discussing life and music. He is an exceptionally wise and brilliant soul and has been one of my main influences -- not only as a musician -- but even on being a man in this world... I have an immense amount of gratitude to him for all he has taught me... and all the inspiration and hope he has given... God bless you...'soulfully I love you', my dear brother.
So... I left the next day feeling confident and just knowing deep inside that despite what seemed the loss of a 'great dream' - some might say 'a romance' - that was involved - it was definitely the wisest decision for me - and actually, it didn't need necessarily be a loss of either.
All I needed to learn is that the New York City and jazz I fell in love with are eternal and will never die if I keep them in my heart just as I came to know them when I was younger. None of those great memories or the inspiration they provided need be lost as long as keep playing and living in service to Almighty God and others and don't worry about making money from it as has always been my commitment.
Just because one great era has ended and even tumultuous times may well lie ahead... thankfully I realized just enough at that point as a man of faith - and as I have learned through The Word Jesus Christ and being led by my Father in the Spirit of Truth to know that loving it and being nurtured and inspired by them are one thing... but making an idol out of any city and idolizing anyone or anything are quite another altogether... and not worth my soul in eternity, much less the fleeting hours on this side of glory.
"John Coltrane. John Coltrane. John Coltrane."
That was my steadfast "mantra" during most of my 20's. In fact - after that great city itself - the first muse I had to take down from this position of "idol" and return the position of "man" (even if he still holds the title "the chief musician") was the above thrice named luminary saxophonist.
Not to lessen him in any way, mind you -- but rather to not lessen the respect my Creator deserves by magnifying anyone or anything else beyond measure and making it more important in my heart, soul and mind than the only one who can be #1.
This fateful journey was not just a pivotal moment for me because of what it portended for my future in regards to where I would choose to live and what goals I would pursue in the coming years... but more importantly, I just knew that from this time forward - how I chose to live - and prioritize - even in very subtle but profound ways would affect my future in eternity as well.
Fast forward almost six months exactly...
It's early September ~ and for the past two weeks straight... instead of making an idol out of John Coltrane and New York City... I had simply learned to only worship and give thanks to the Most High for teaching me all about them while allowing me to still greatly enjoy and be taught and inspired by them much as before... but now without turning them into such a subtle - but grand - deception as I previously had done in my younger years.
I had been really breaking down one song intensely as I often do and here it was learning to play Billy Eckstine's I Want To Talk About You... I was focused solely on really internalizing the rhythm, changes and the harmony on this one particularly moving version recorded live by the John Coltrane Quartet in 1963.
There is of course Ella Fitzgerald's famous rendition and there are many other excellent versions of this song by many artists over the years - and even 'Trane had done several others himself... but this one was so gracefully and beautifully performed that I had decided that it absolutely had to be the version I would try to initially learn and emulate as I gradually devoloped it into my own interpretation with time as I have with my own 'inner songbook' over the years.
I had really been getting to that place Bird (Charlie Parker) said you need to get to where you "...learn the changes... and then forget them..." and then you can just close your eyes and focus entirely on truly feeling the music as you play on an instrument without thinking about the technical things you must always first accomplish understanding and executing.
Because of the complexity of the changes and harmonic structure - up until that time, it was probably one of the most difficult - yet satisfying - songs I had successfully learned to play once I was finally 'just swinging' and being thankful for and enjoying the simple pleasure of being able to do such an incredibly inspiring and joyful thing at all in this life... irregardless of if I ever became famous or made a dime from it.
Another reason I think I found it so satisfying was because it came to symbolize something highly profound for me - right at a time when it was clear that after 6 months since I had made my decision not to move to New York, I was definitely now without any doubt that I had made the correct decision - and was completely at peace about it, all while still thouroughly pursuing - and enjoying - music in my life EVEN MORE than I ever had... especially now that the pressure to live up to a romantic fantasy and the confusion of the idolatry it created had been taken out of the way.
This was the song I was playing - and the Spirit I was in - when someone called me and told me to turn on the television and see that an airplane had flown into one of the World Trade Center towers on September the 11th 2001 and I will always associate it with everything I just wrote about in the previous 6 months which led up to and included that unforgettable day almost two decades ago as I write this.
Obviously the mixture of thoughts, feelings and emotions which flooded my being at that moment are extremely complex and difficult to describe - not just the sad and difficult feelings most every thoughtful, caring American of any stripe felt about what was happening to us that day (regardless of what I can always find to criticize about 'it' and many of the other 'stripes' around here on any other given day) - but also at the immense, almost cathartic feelings of relief for not having moved there 6 months prior and endless gratitude towards my Maker for having steered me in the right direction and made it clear that it was not my destiny to move there just to savor the last vapors of a bygone era.
Of course none of this would have unfolded in this particular manner and my fate would have likely been very different if I had not had the relationship with the Word that taught me these things and guides my every step.
And despite being a simple love song - like all of the greatest love songs - I Want To Talk About You can also be loosely interpreted as a gospel song about Love Almighty... if you choose to hear it that way.
Thus, quite appropriately - and even reverentially - it came for me to symbolize the time I became a man and truly came to know that the only one I Want To Talk About... is God above all others... and that I needed to reprioritize things in my life to make that a reality... and so I did it... and am eternally thankful for it.
Though I'm primarily an instrumentalist and generally don't sing lyrics while I play, I do however usually learn the melody line and through that often learn them when I hear a version with vocals.
I'll leave them here in closing - and hopefully in the above Spirit I just described - for the reader to consider - or interpret in whichever way they so choose. May Love always guide, protect and bless you on your journey through this life, dear friends... peace be with all of thee... from right now until eternity...
I Want To Talk About You
Billy Eckstine
Don't tell me about a night in June
Or a shady lane beneath the velvet moon
Don't tell me, 'cause I want to talk about you.
Don't mention that waterfall
Or that shady nook where crickets softly call
Don't tell me, 'cause I want to talk about you.
The moon and the stars, the objects on Mars
Are things that we've talked of before
But your love for me was the question
Your answer throws back heaven's door, so
Tell me, your love will be sincere,
Then my darling, you needn't ever fear
I love you and I want to talk about you.
The moon and the stars, the objects on Mars
Are things that we've talked of before
But your love for me was the question
Your answer throws back heaven's door, so
Tell me, your love will be sincere,
Then my darling, you needn't ever fear
I love you and I want to talk about you.
Don't tell me about a night in June
Or a shady lane beneath the velvet moon
Don't tell me, 'cause I want to talk about you.
Don't mention that waterfall
Or that shady nook where crickets softly call
Don't tell me, 'cause I want to talk about you.
The moon and the stars, the objects on Mars
Are things that we've talked of before
But your love for me was the question
Your answer throws back heaven's door, so
Tell me, your love will be sincere,
Then my darling, you needn't ever fear
I love you and I want to talk about you.
The moon and the stars, the objects on Mars
Are things that we've talked of before
But your love for me was the question
Your answer throws back heaven's door, so
Tell me, your love will be sincere,
Then my darling, you needn't ever fear
I love you and I want to talk about you.
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